Stress stress stress. Yick.

Finals, college application deadlines, Christmas presents to buy, other personal problems...

Really, REALLY don't like this time of year. Can we cancel Christmas? Please? It would give me a much needed break.  (Christmas Break with the Christmas is just hectic and stressful for the most part). There's nothing I desperately want enough to warrant a whole big Christmas thing, ya know?

But I'm just griping. Sorry.

I keep perpetually re-realizing what a jerk I naturally am.  I've kept almost every profession of love others have written for me and when I re-read them, instead of feeling bad for the poor friend who had to deal with unrequited love, I feel smug instead. I know it's horrible. I know I shouldn't treat them like trophies. And yet I do. The other day, I was feeling really low on myself and I made a list of every person who liked me and even calculated how many per year of my high school career I had on average (somewhere between three and four).  It's sick.  Anyone who ever liked me should feel bad that I treat their feelings this way.

There's a sense of comfort I get when I read them though... Or remember verbal confessions (though those were few--I calculated the statistics on that too and I think about 28% admitted it to me in person? I don't have the data with me, so I'm not sure...).  

Congratulations, people who were dense enough to like me--and worse, let me know about it--you're a statistic now!

Ugh.

I feel as though if someone ripped my body apart, black sludge would ooze out.  Like Joseph Heller said, humans are all garbage on the inside. But I think mine's more toxic than most.